Shennanigans
by Writer'sBlockPotterhead
Summary: What if the events in the clearing during BD transpired a little...insanely? Characters die, a piano is played, and Felix becomes fond of a disfigured huncheback. A narration like no other with a dark twist at the end.


A marriage of Twilight, The Fearless Vampire Killers, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

(I am surely going to hell.)

The clearing was still and tense. On either side were two opposing factions of vampires. The one side believed in idealised freedom and the ability to do whatever the hell they pleased no matter how many people died for them to get their goals. Those were the Cullens and their gullible friends. The other side believed in secrecy to the point of being dictators about it and they had a right to. If humans ever found out about a bunch of nearly invincible vampires, you can bet your arse they would nuke this bunch of murderers. The narrator of this story believes that they really need synthetic blood as a back up for when the humans all kill themselves in the future. Anyway, this side was the Volturi and their assembled witnesses who were really in it to see some heads roll.

For now, everything was rather still, which was odd because the witnesses thought that the plan of action was a relentless, no quarter, charge. They had been told that the Volturi was going to ram those law-breaking motherfuckers into the ground and they would have a merry time laughing over the burning corpses.

What was actually happening was that Aro, the leader of the Volturi despite what Marcus and Caius might tell you, was intimidated by the amount of people his old Judas of a friend, Carlisle, had assembled. He was also looking for Alice, an unreliable seer that he had mentally called dibs on, and was confused as to why he couldn't find her. He had assumed that she loved the Cullens and that he would need to engage in some head ripping to acquire her. He concluded that Alice was probably being a coward and had grabbed her mate and run for Mexico (it is a good thing that they are bullet proof).

This was the perfect moment for Carlisle to distract Aro – this was the perfect moment for Carlisle to reason with Aro (he probably resents Aro for accepting their more bloodthirsty nature). He stepped forwards, mentally willing Bella (his new adoptive vampire daughter) to strike – he stepped forwards with good intentions.

"Aro, my old friend, it has been centuries," he said in his strange, overly calm and peaceable manner.

"Then why didn't you come visit me? You know I have an actual day job in this world," Aro grumbled automatically under his breath.

Aro, ever the strategic politician, stepped forwards. His brethren that were equally committed to world justice got anxious that their leader was putting himself in danger and reacted thusly. Like a father (which he most likely did turn most of them himself having impeccable self control enough to turn his own sister when he was a new born), he hushed his fellows.

Aro was about to talk, but a strange sound prevented him from doing so. Before anyone had thoroughly understood what the sound was, the odd stillness was interrupted by the sound. A horribly disfigured hunchbacked man with grotesquely large teeth came sliding through, from the woods, cutting the Volturi in half and zooming to cut the Cullen Party in half as well. The man was riding a…coffin…like a sled.

There was little reaction time for all. They were literally taken by absolute surprise. Firstly, the Volturi had made a move for the man, but stopped when he passed Aro. The hunchback man was a man on a mission. The Cullen Party tried to apprehend him, but made a flimsy effort of it. Bella tripped over Emmet and Emmet tripped over Quil (a shifter wolf that has been unfortunately bound to an infant) who tripped over a boulder that Benjamin hadn't told the wolves about. The hunchback man didn't stop for any conversation he was so dedicated to his mission.

The witnesses were beyond confused. Was this man on a mission a trick? It didn't matter whose. Who was this man on a mission? Was he even important to the head rolling?

Meanwhile, the Volturi were failing to supress their sniggers at the fail of the Cullen Party. Usually blank Jane was leaning on her brother, Alec, with her face buried in his cloak to hide the fact that she was smiling from the effort to keep her laughter from bubbling over. Felix didn't bother with such niceties; he laughed a loud booming laugh. Caius was smiling with sick and cruel satisfaction at his enemies' display of weakness. Aro mirrored his brother's expression except he had to keep his laughter fully shoved down. Marcus was still suffering from his chronic depression from the loss of his one true love (monogamy will be the death of this species of vampire) and found no joy in simple slapstick comedy.

The Cullen Party eyed the Volturi resentfully and pulled themselves together. They resumed their positions with a childish huff.

"Is he your first line of attack?" Bella shouted unnecessarily.

"Nope," Aro said, his voice was low because he still had to keep his laughter down.

The wolves growled threateningly, but didn't make a move. They had been trained well by Carlisle. They would only attack when their new master told them to.

"But it seems exactly the sort of attack you would engineer, Carlisle," Aro said, his resentful feelings surfacing (vampires don't really know how to keep a lid on their emotions). "You look ready for war."

Carlisle shook his head. He was in denial about his backstabbing ways.

"You have but to touch my hand and know that was never my intent," Carlisle said, stretching out a hand.

This time, there was no sound to prepare the warring vampires for what was to come next. A cow corpse just dropped, from the air, into the middle of the clearing. Laws of physics applied and the corpse hadn't gone into rigour mortis, so the corpse splattered grossly on the snow. Before the stunned vampires' eyes, mixed excrement sailed into the clearing accompanied by more animal corpses and a few live chickens. The chickens scattered and wandered about the clearing looking for food, completely oblivious to the dangerous predators around them.

Carlisle, being somewhat anorexic for a vampire, stared at the chickens hungrily and with no regard for their lives. Esme came up to him and distracted him from his hunt while refocusing him on the goal at hand. Bella, being a new born filled with insatiable blood lust, was chewing on her daughter's hair while staring at Aro, imagining the ways she would desecrate his head before burning it.

All the vampires (with the above exception) in the clearing were attempting to remain as stoic as possible about this latest development. Neither side wanted to admit any weakness.

"Is that yours?" Carlisle asked, unimpressed, giving his head a tilt in the direction of the corpses.

Aro chose to ignore his backstabbing friend in favour of having an epiphany. He looked at the scene with an expression of great enlightenment.

"It isn't theirs, Carlisle," Edward answered for Aro.

Edward had yet to notice his wife chewing on their daughter.

Aro suddenly flung around to face his fellows. There was a startled gasp from someone. That someone was one of those people that weren't actual characters and could easily be called a sound effect.

"My dears," Aro said at large to the Volturi. "Today is not the day to fight. We will regroup tomorrow and pick up matters again."

"Aro?" Carlisle asked, unsure.

"Why do you insist we run away, brother?" Caius hissed, glaring at the Cullen Party.

"I have had a grand epiphany," Aro explained. "Alice isn't a coward at all. She ran away as a sign that this day was not a safe day for legal matters. Today, we shall hunt. Tomorrow, we shall destroy the backstabbers and the illegal abomination they protect."

"But she's not," Carlisle insisted. "That's what we are gathered here to say."

The members of the Cullen Party thought that Aro had gone mad from his little outburst. The Volturi, on the other hand, thought that Aro's words were quite reasonable. The evidence showed that the day was too full of surprises and that anything that could compromise the integrity of their organisation could happen. The witnesses were disappointed that a head rolling would not likely happen, but they were pleased that they were given leave to hunt. They wanted to wash down the disgusting smell of animal blood with something more appetising.

"I don't think that is why Alice ran away," Edward said tersely. "And if you would listen to us, you would know that Renesmee isn't a vampire."

"Falsehood!" Caius yelled across the clearing. He lost composure for a moment and lunged at the child, but Aro was quick to catch his brother in arms.

"Mommy, what is an illegal abomination?" Renesmee asked quietly while Edward spoke about Alice. "Is it like a snowman?"

"No," Bella said through a thick matted clump of Renesmee's hair. Her voice was muffled as she said sharply, "Those are adult things that you don't need to worry about."

Renesmee frowned, but nodded anyway in order to placate her frightening mother.

"Peace, brother," Aro was speaking to Caius. "Today, we are killing humans. Tomorrow, we are killing vampires."

"But they are lying, backstabbing law-breakers!" Caius protested with an angry look in the direction of the Cullen Party. "They want to destroy everything we have worked for over thousands of years! They do not appreciate our efforts and the fruits of our labour!"

It was true. None of the Cullen Party seemed to realise that the Volturi had given them the ease of secrecy and the fruits of an anonymous existence. They assumed that their lives would continue just the same if the Volturi weren't around…not really.

"That is true, brother," Aro said with a mournful expression. "But this is not the day that we enact vengeful justice."

"Listen," Carlisle tried to get Aro's attention.

That did not work. The light tapping of a horse's feet running furiously across the snow completely interrupted Carlisle. Bells accompanied this running as well as the sound of something slicking along behind it. Two sets of footsteps chased this disturbance.

The vampires in the clearing turned their heads in the same direction to see a horse drawn sleigh careening into the clearing. This elderly fellow drove it in front with a young looking bloke and girl (who was passed out) in the back and they all looked like they had jumped right out of the renaissance period. They weren't stopping for any pleasantries, but they were stopping for death.

Before they had cleared the trees, two equally ancient looking men jumped on to their sleigh. The elder looking man with dark hair and a very nice dinner suit grabbed on to the elderly fellow and proceeded to drain him dry. The younger looking man with fair hair grabbed on to the young bloke and did the same. The horse only trotted for a short while before coming to a stop before the animal corpses. It looked back at its masters who had just finished their meal and was still ravenous.

Meanwhile, no one had been prepared for the very sudden bloodshed, especially Bella. Her grip had tightened over Renesmee and she couldn't control her bloodlust anymore. Edward watched in horror as Bella bared her teeth and bent over to their daughter's neck.

"Bella, don't eat our baby!" Edward said launching himself at Bella.

Benjamin had been very astute (to make up for his brief nap from reality) in opening up the ground in front of Bella's feet to startle her. She had been very startled. So startled, in fact, that she found herself toppling into the hole. Edward had been mid-air anyway and was grabbing at the air. He failed to save Bella from falling into the depths of the planet, but he had saved the baby!

The baby had been what the Cullen Party had been fighting for after all. They relaxed, but Edward was devastated by the loss of his one true love and threw himself after her (as pointed out before, monogamy will be the death of this species). Rosalie was super astute and threw herself after him to secure the baby (she wouldn't let Edward and his fucking theatrics get in the way of her being a parent). Pleased, she trotted off to Emmet and cradled her new prize in her arms.

The new prize in question was severely confused about what had just happened. Her mother had just been holding her when those bad men had come and hurt those two people. Then, her mother wasn't holding her anymore and her father was looking sad. Then, her aunty Rose was holding her and everyone looked sad.

"Aunty Rose, where is mommy and daddy?" she asked quietly.

"Mommy and daddy went away, but they told me that I can be your new mommy," Rosalie said with a disturbing smile. "You also have a new daddy that can chase away all the boys that want to murder and rape you when they are drunk."

Emmet cleared his throat awkwardly and tentatively patted Rosalie on the shoulder with a grunt. He smiled at his deranged mate. Carlisle was the one who was most mournful of the destruction of their two best weapons. He was most upset about the loss of Edward because he was his favourite son (there is no denying that Edward is the favourite; their lives were uprooted because Edward said so). Esme, barely holding it together herself, hugged Carlisle in a soothing fashion. Having zero accountability for the deaths he had just caused, Benjamin simply grinned and went back to his nap.

Aro had been completely oblivious to the losses on the side of the Cullen Party. Instead, he had been watching the newcomers with interest. To him, they were absolutely fascinating. Caius, ever the blood hound in the face of danger, was more aware of his surroundings and had seen the loss on the side of the Cullen Party. He hadn't heard the yellings on the other side, but it didn't stop him from hissing with excitement at their loss. He grinned maniacally at Carlisle, taunting the old vampire. It takes a lot to get a reaction out of Marcus and he hadn't seen anything remarkably surprising that day. The Volturi guard, ever the most faithful, remained stoic and waited the command to kill.

The witnesses were another story. They cheered as they finally got to see some exciting action. You see; they thought that Aro was being serious about them only hunting that day. Aro had given them such a delicious speech about blood filling the seas and fires reigning in the skies and he had regaled them with glorious tales of his early days when the world worked differently. They were seeing some head rolling and they made their joy known to the clearing.

The newcomers had been alerted to the presence of others through this cheering and had given their crowd a low bow before clambering off the sleigh and regarding the masses before them.

"Father, I am still hungry," complained Herbert, the fair-headed one. "Can we bring some of them back to the castle?"

"Yes, we will need to feed our brethren," His Excellency Count Von Krolock, the dark haired one, spoke and placed a reassuring hand on his son's shoulder.

There was a crunching of snow and the hunchback man on a mission followed the newcomers into the clearing. A few of the vampires assembled let off sounds of recognition. Emmet glared at the hunchback on a mission and Felix smiled widely at his new favourite person in the world. The hunchback on a mission seemed to remind Carlisle of his lost weapons and he sniffled into Esme's shoulder.

The hunchback on a mission was so badass that he didn't give the assembled vampires a second glance. He crunched his way to his masters, His Excellency and Herbert. With no need for command, he immediately set to preparing the sleigh for travel. He manhandled the bodies so that they were stacked up and making space efficient about itself. He climbed into the driver's seat and had the horse trotting off and out of the clearing.

His Excellency and Herbert watched the others in the clearing again. They had the floor's attention. His Excellency stepped forwards with his arms opened.

"Darling humans, who will sacrifice themselves for the night?" He asked at large.

This made the clearing start. This newcomer thought that they were human and he was asking them to be his meal. Aro's fascinated wonderings were even interrupted and he cleared his throat awkwardly at the odd misapprehension.

"I apologise, but we are all vampires," Aro said loudly enough for the entire clearing to hear. His voice turned unsure as he asked, "Couldn't you tell?"

Ignoring Aro's question, His Excellency squinted at the assembled vampires. He took a step back to fall inline with his son and gathered himself haughtily.

"You are most certainly not of my blood," he said snobbishly.

The opposing sides didn't know how to respond to this stranger who carried himself like nobility. The witnesses were eager for more action and ignored the fact that the stranger had assumed they were food. Some rubbed their hands together excitedly. If this was Aro's surprise for them, he was doing a good job of it.

There was no needed response. The vampires (both kinds) perceived a clopping of hooves on cobbles and a rustling of movement. Their attentions were drawn to this next strangeness in the woods.

"Esme," Carlisle said, distracted from his grieving phase. "Did you secretly install a cobbled driveway?"

"No, but Benjamin might have," Esme said lightly. "He was doing all sorts of things here last night."

From another end of the clearing, the Knights of the Round Table came trotting in with their attendants behind them at work with their coconuts (note the absence of actual horses). His Excellency and Herbert spied the crosses on their raiment and, being God-fearing men, they hissed, instantly startling back.

"Servants of he who shall smite us!" His Excellency exclaimed sharply.

"The professor must have called in reinforcements!" Herbert said anxiously.

"Come, Herbert, we need to return to the castle," His Excellency commanded.

The two left the scene pretty quickly. They were very good at being God-fearing creatures of the night unlike their new servant Shagal. Shagal was a greedy little insubordinate that couldn't keep his fangs to himself and his dick in his pants. Aro only spared his new friends one glance before looking back at the Knights of the Round Table.

They had clattered their way over to occupy the place where the older vampires had just stood. At Arthur's command, they stopped and turned back to look at the place they were fleeing from.

"My good King Arthur, I think we have lost the Frenchmen," Galahad said, peering into the woods.

"I do believe so, brave Galahad," Arthur spoke. "But I do believe that someone should check."

"Yes, that is a wonderful idea, my King," Robin spoke up.

"Excellent, thank you for volunteering, brave Robin," Arthur made a sweeping gesture with his arm.

"M – My King?" Robin stuttered, alarmed.

"You have braved certain death, the French shall tremble at your might," Arthur clapped Robin forwards.

Robin gave his comrades a nervous glance and trotted forwards (note again the absence of any horse). He entered the woods again.

The Cullen Party had been surprised by the reaction of the newcomers that had fled the scene. Carlisle, in particular, was intrigued by the concept of God-fearing vampires that fled from the sight of the Lord's mark. He was about to follow them to join them, but his movements were halted by the fact that Esme's arms were still around him.

The witnesses were confused by this latest development of the Knights. Were more heads going to be rolling?

Aro had been fascinated into silence. He hadn't ever met the Knights of the Round Table (if he had, he might have just eaten them), but was certain that they were supposed to be dead. It has been centuries since their time after all. They were now children's tales. Aro started when Arthur turned his attention to the vampire king.

"Tell me, odd foreigner, are we still in Camelot?" Arthur asked imperiously.

"No, you are in America," Aro replied helpfully.

"What is this America that you speak of?" Arthur asked loudly. "Is it infested with Vikings?"

"The Vikings are very peaceable now," Aro answered cautiously. "America was discovered by the Spanish."

"Ah, the Catholic neighbours of my enemies!" Arthur proclaimed.

"Sire!" exclaimed Lancelot excitedly, coming up with an idea. "The Holy Grail might be hidden here!"

"I know!" Arthur said as if he hadn't heard Lancelot at all. "The Holy Grail might be hidden here!"

"How very clever of you, sire!" Galahad cheered supportively.

Aro was going to make a threatening remark on being utterly ignored, but a frantic clopping of hooves sounded. Sir Robin burst through the trees at a gallop (note the absence of any horse) and came to a breathless stop before his King Arthur.

"Sire!" he panted. "The Frenchmen are on to us. They still resent the rabbit."

"Thank you, brave Robin, for braving certain death again," Arthur patted Robin on the shoulder.

"What shall we do, sire?" Robin asked in a pressing tone.

"We shall retreat, again, and use the Holy Hand Grenade to cover our tracks!" Arthur announced.

"Excellent idea, sire!" Robin cheered supportively.

"You shall be the one to light the Holy Hand Grenade," Arthur pronounced and handed Robin the Holy Hand Grenade.

"S – Sire?" Robin stuttered.

"Gather yourselves, comrades!" Arthur said commandingly.

The Knights of the Round Table jumped to and turned around. Robin lit the Holy Hand Grenade with shaking hands and blindly threw it in a general direction. Ignoring their company, the Knights cantered off into the woods (note the absence of any horse). Robin wasn't very good at aiming in a general direction and had created the perfect distraction.

The Holy Hand Grenade had rolled over to a large russet coloured wolf, Jacob to be exact, and had exploded under his belly. The vampires were bullet proof, so they were hardly harmed. In fact, only a few members of the Cullen Party were showered with dead stuff and the rest just received holes in their clothes. The Cullen Party was well funded; they would remunerate their followers.

There was a minor freak out amongst the wolves, but it didn't really matter to the witnesses that some of the dogs had run off at the loud banging noise. Their attentions had been drawn to their own side.

The Holy Hand Grenade's explosion had taken Aro back to his warring days. He was back in war mode and had been reminded that he needed to take his brethren to safety before they became like the Cullen Party.

"Retreat!" He shrieked; his entire demeanour changed into his old warlike self.

He turned, as if to flee, and rammed into Caius who was blocking his path. Caius, being the helpful brother, wrapped his arms around Aro and held him still.

"Do not retreat!" Caius revoked the order while patting a thrashing Aro. He lowered his voice soothingly, "Brother, we are no longer on the battlements. There is no need for us to become hysterical."

Everyone was a bit confused. No one had seen Aro break composure like that, ever. They figured that seeing the Knights of the Round Table might have taken him back in time and he might have gotten caught up in the frenzy of the escape.

Meanwhile, the witnesses cheered at the realisation that they had seen more death and destruction. They were bound to brag about this event to all of their friends for centuries to come.

Aro regained his senses with a sharp intake of breath. He returned to his original composure and faced Carlisle resentfully.

"Look at the traps you have lain in order to attack me!" he spat.

"If you haven't noticed, only my people have suffered injury," Carlisle said miserably. "Those traps are nothing of my design."

Aro was about to get in a witty retort when a great whooshing sound made everyone look skywards. The revamped, self righteous, demon hunter monster of Frankenstein's creation dropped on to the ground before Carlisle. He was called Adam.

Adam was feeling pretty aggressive. His girlfriend scientist had gone insane and was testing ways he could die. He was still smoking from the last attempt on his life and wanted to get in some good demon slaying. He jumped up with a snarl, saw Carlisle, and (with no regard for human life, mind you) he used his concealed blade to stab Carlisle.

The blade glanced off Carlisle's rock hard (that has the potential to do such damage with innuendos) flesh and ripped his shirt. A neuron misfired in his head. That had been a shirt that Edward had been quite complimentary about. He decided that Adam was a soulless abomination of man and had a rare fit of insanity. He lunged at the self-righteous creature and sunk his teeth into its neck.

"Carlisle, no!" Tanya whined. "I brag to all of my friends about you."

Adam dropped to the ground, dead, because blood is very important to the state of one's life, Dr Wade. The narrator of this story really believes that some scriptwriters are so obtuse and strives to do a better job of it in the future. Carlisle wiped a few drops of blood off his lips and shook out his hand. He was breathing heavily from the rush of human blood.

Aro had been staring at Carlisle in shock as the friend he never thought would be reduced to his instincts succumbed to them. This was a marvellous turning point in the development of the day. Carlisle's act of drinking blood had made Aro very pleased. It had absolved the previously vegetarian vampire of any of his betrayals and convinced Aro that they were the best of friends again.

The witnesses letting off a great cheer, made Aro snap out of his staring fit. He had to do something, fast, in order to save his friend. Fuelled by obsession, Aro ran at Carlisle, picked the man up over his shoulder, and turned tail to flee the clearing. Caius might have been too late to prevent his brother from kidnapping, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let Aro disappear on his leave.

"Aro, get back here this instant and return Carlisle to the Cullen Party! Kidnapping is fine when it's humans, but we frown upon it when it's vampires!" Caius shouted into the trees.

"He's mine and the Cullen Party is never getting him back!" was the yelled response.

"Aro, let me go!" Carlisle's voice was heard protesting. "You're running us into trees!"

"Gah!" Caius huffed angrily. He turned to Marcus and said in a hurried voice, "Marcus, you are in charge. I am going to find Aro!"

Caius ran off into the trees. There was a loud noise as a tree was banged into and it fell down causing the Volturi and the Cullen Party to simultaneously wonder if a falling tree made a sound when there was no one around to hear it.

The witnesses were overjoyed at the show they were having. The famous Carlisle Cullen had drained a human before their very eyes. Aro had kidnapped Carlisle. Caius was chasing down Aro. Heads were rolling and Marcus had been made in charge.

Before anyone could fully ponder that fact, a Trojan rabbit was pushed through the clearing. The task force behind it was a bunch of screaming Frenchmen who were shouting about stupid Englishmen. The Frenchmen were dressed as if they were ready for battle. Much like the hunchback man on a mission, they weren't stopping for conversation and were through the clearing in no time.

The Cullen Party eyed the Volturi suspiciously with this new development. The Volturi eyed the Cullen Party suspiciously with this new development. Both sides relaxed as they realised that the Frenchmen were probably looking for the Knights of the Round Table. The witnesses clapped politely, alerting Marcus to the fact that he was in charge.

This surprised him greatly. He blinked and stepped forwards. He cleared his throat and everyone else realised that Marcus was in charge. They swallowed in fear. Marcus being in charge could prove very dangerous.

"Can you select a representative from your side so that we may get on with the proceedings?" Marcus addressed the Cullen Party.

The Romanians decided that was the perfect moment to regain their old power and move up to the position of leader. They stepped forwards and confidentially assumed Carlisle's previous position.

"We will head the Cullen Party," Vladimir announced.

"Negotiations will be dealt with by us," Stefan said in a tone that allowed no room for argument.

"Very well," Marcus said, completely unsurprised by this. He said in a judicial tone. "Carlisle insisted before that the child is not a vampire. Is this true?"

"It is a half truth," Stefan said, his eyes glinting manically at the rush of power.

"The child is the biological daughter of Edward and Bella Cullen, rest in peace wherever they are now," Vladimir spoke insensitively. "They had unprotected sex when Bella was still a human and she fell pregnant like all stupid clichés. She gave birth to the child in September and became an aggressive vampire mother."

"I see; may I meet the child to verify the claims that she is has a heartbeat?" Marcus asked.

"Certainly," Vladimir said brightly.

"Bring the child forwards so that we may do the verifying!" Stefan commanded.

Rosalie and Emmet moved forwards. They stopped before Marcus and Rosalie gave the ancient a death glare should he attempt any funny business with her new daughter. He gave her a bored look before looking at Renesmee with a scrutinising gaze. He came to a decision and looked up at the child's new parents. He nodded and they returned to their positions.

"It seems that there was no law broken," he said with a dispassionate voice. He looked at Irina and beckoned her forwards. She scuttled over to him and he said in a heavy voice, "It seems that you were mistaken in your assumption of broken laws. I understand, given your history with your creator that you acted on instinct. I would like to congratulate your affirmative action on informing us and I do not want this mistake to get in the way of any future information you have to share with us."

"Thank you," Irina nodded her head gratefully. "I will be sure to keep my eyes open."

"You may return to your sisters," Marcus said.

"Thank you for your mercy," Irina said before running back to her sisters. They only had time for a brief hug and the promise for a long conversation.

"The matter has been resolved," Marcus said to Vladimir and Stefan. "There is no law broken and no infanticide that is needed. Thank you for your co-operation as acting heads of your congregation."

"It is a pleasure," said Vladimir, taken aback.

"Yes, we will do it anytime," Stefan was equally shocked.

"Now we wait until Caius has tracked down Aro so that we can get our respective people back," Marcus said, content in his good day's work.

The witnesses booed at Marcus' peaceful verdict, but one of them pointed out that life would get interesting soon. Aro was a good provider of surprises. They were sure of it. They settled in for the wait.

They didn't have to wait very long before someone else arrived. When they saw that it was Alice, Jasper, and three other strangers, they deflated and sunk back into their waiting poses. The Volturi had regarded their arrival with casual indifference while the Cullen Party let out great gushing breaths of relief. They had back up (they were beginning to freak out with the destruction of two of their weapons).

"Greetings, Alice," Marcus said softly to her. "We have already resolved the legal battle. Now we are waiting for Caius to find Aro so that he can return Carlisle."

Alice and Jasper shot alarmed glances at each other at this information. The three strangers they had in tow looked confused as if they had been told that they were doing something entirely different in the clearing.

"Return Carlisle?" Alice said sharply.

"Yes, Aro ran off with him and promised to never return him to his people," Marcus said dismissively. "It is nothing to worry about."

Alice nodded slowly and she and Jasper moved to their end of the clearing with their friends they had made on their adventure. She and her mate looked at the clearing with bewildered looks.

"Where the hell is Bella, Edward, and Jacob?" she asked.

"They all ran off to Mexico when the shit hit the fan," Stefan lied, absolving a napping Benjamin of his crimes. He wanted to keep the earthmover alive because he was an invaluable asset to their organisation he and his brother had taken over.

"And they left Nessie," Alice raised a sceptical eyebrow.

"Carlisle insisted that the child remain," Vladimir said on the same vein as his brother. "We are the new heads of the Cullen Party. We know all of his secrets."

Alice was about to say something when the Trojan rabbit fell from the sky and crumpled to a heap in the middle of the clearing. She, Jasper, and their new friends jumped in unfound surprise.

The witnesses gave a loud cheer at that. Their patience had been rewarded. The Volturi remained stoic in the face of their enemies so that they could appear to be an infallible force. The Cullen Party all reacted with recognition and decided that the Frenchmen had been throwing things about again.

"What the hell is that and why isn't anyone else freaking out?" Alice asked sharply.

"That is the Frenchmen," Vladimir replied casually.

"They are hunting the Knights of the Round Table," Stefan explained further in a helpful voice.

"Can someone explain the full story of what happened here?" Alice shrieked gesturing to the mess of the clearing.

No one was going to say anything, but that was fine because a crunching of snow alerted the vampires of a new presence. Caius, with Carlisle over his shoulder, marched into the clearing with a disgruntled expression while Aro danced over in heady excitement. Carlisle and Aro were covered in leaves and their shirtfronts were drenched in blood.

"Today, I made Carlisle into a man!" Aro exclaimed to the clearing in pure delight.

He playfully slapped Carlisle's behind to prove his point and Carlisle shrieked indignantly. Caius grabbed on to Aro's hand and held the ancient firmly at his other side. Esme, meanwhile, looked devastated at the implications of Aro's words.

"Stop slapping me!" Carlisle complained. "And don't make me look bad in front of other people!"

The witnesses crowed with delight. Their Aro was back and life would get interesting again. They promised that they would follow him to the ends of the planet if he would only keep their lives interesting.

Alice and Jasper looked disgusted while their new friends scratched their heads in confusion. Vladimir and Stefan were extremely pleased at the implications of Aro's words. If Carlisle were to be claimed by Aro, they would be able to fully take over the Cullen Party. The rest of the Party were becoming quite like the Volturi in their non-reactions. Only Benjamin snorted in his sleep while Tanya looked extremely disappointed that she had lost bragging rights. The Volturi only blinked in their shock.

Caius marched over to an unaffected Marcus and deposited a still grinning Aro's hand in his.

"Where did you find our dear brother?" Marcus asked Caius with deep sincerity.

"I found them eating a bunch of gypsies," Caius said grimly. "I had to finish the job when Aro got distracted with shoving propaganda down Carlisle's throat."

"His very delicious throat!" Aro reached over to stroke Carlisle's leg.

Carlisle groaned and Caius took a step back with a hiss. Esme's sob wasn't registered to any of the gathered four.

"Stop it with this Stockholm Syndrome thing!" Caius reprimanded. "It is fine when you do that to the human girls you find wondering around the castle, but we are not at home!"

"Fine," Aro said sulkily.

"Keep him here while I deposit Carlisle with his mate," Caius told Marcus.

"Visit me in Volterra!" Aro sang at Carlisle.

Caius gave an impatient sigh and turned. He was in the middle of the clearing when the Romanians blocked his path.

"The official heads of the Cullen Party refuse to accept the deliverance of the previous head," Stefan said puffing out his chest.

"What?" Alice shrieked and Esme sniffled in the background. They were ignored.

"We are offering him to you as a peacekeeping gesture," Vladimir echoed his brother's movements.

"The official heads of the Cullen Party?" Caius eyed the both of them sceptically.

"Yes," Stefan said with that mad glint in his eyes. "The coup happened in his absence."

"You realise that Cullen is his surname, right?" Caius asked and Alice made a sound of agreement.

"It does not matter," Vladimir said haughtily, embodying His Excellency for a moment.

"Yay!" Aro proclaimed happily. "Felix, go grab him for me and make sure that no one can get him!"

Felix started off across the clearing, but was halted midway.

"No, don't!" Caius said quickly.

"Yes, do!" Aro insisted and Felix was next to Caius in an instant.

Carlisle quickly exchanged hands and Felix held him securely in the inner circle. Caius was left standing with the mad, new leaders of the Cullen Party. He gave a frustrated huff and marched off to where his brothers stood.

"Please tell me that we aren't going to let Carlisle go like that!" Alice pleaded loudly catching Aro's attention, which was the biggest mistake she could have done.

"Alice!" he cried happily. "You have no idea the wonderful day you have missed! I will explain it all to you later!"

"Later?" Alice frowned in confusion and gasped when she saw Aro's split second decision.

She was unable to stop him from wrenching his hand out of Marcus' and running up to her. Nor was she able to prevent him from slinging her over his shoulder like he had done to Carlisle and disappearing into the woods with her.

Jasper had launched himself at his disappearing mate, but was apprehended by Emmet who wanted to tell him all about the joys of fatherhood and killing boys that threatened his daughter. The Romanians were not happy about this acquisition; they valued Alice and wanted to keep her. Caius was not happy either. He wasn't looking forward to cleaning up another mess.

"Aro, wait!" he yelled while running after his deranged brother.

"It seems that I am in charge again," Marcus sighed.

The witnesses sighed as well. They were preparing themselves for another wait, but the day had other plans.

The shifter wolves realised something. Without Jacob, they really had no reason to protect any of the vampires and that all of them were free quarter. The deserter dogs were called in again and they lunged at the bloodsuckers.

With the Volturi and the Cullen Party teaming up, it was a very short-lived battle. It didn't even wake up Benjamin. Caius would be proud at how efficiently the wolves were taken out. Even Marcus' spirits seemed lifted at the teamwork. He stood with the Romanians in camaraderie as they surveyed the pile of dead wolves. There was a total dissolve of the boundary line and a tentative alliance had been formed between the two groups.

The witnesses were beginning to warm to the idea of Marcus being in charge.

This time it was a blood soaked Alice who was held over Caius' shoulder. Aro was already pinned to Caius' other side to prevent any tomfoolery that might occur. Caius stopped at the scene and his shock made him let go of Aro's hand and dump Alice to the ground.

Aro, taking advantage of his brother's momentary distraction, flew over to Alice and straddled her. He leant over her and kissed her very intimately.

"Think of me in Volterra with my big throne and my impressive royal family jewels," Aro said suggestively in her ear and she shuddered.

The narrator has officially broken vampire monogamy in the best interests of the species.

Alice's only line of response was to give him a chaste kiss. She really was speechless after he had explained everything to her. The revelation that she was now the most desired vampire after Bella's death was still making her gasp. That and the fact that Aro was beginning to grope her.

Caius, coming to his senses that he had released his charges, roughly separated the two of them with a stern look and a thinly veiled threat involving the stock market and the actual royal family jewels. He kept them pinned to his sides as he strode forwards.

"Marcus!" He barked out angrily. "What has happened here?"

"The wolves revolted, my dear brother," Marcus said, pleased with himself. "We had to put them all down before they became a liability to us all."

"But I wanted guard dogs!" Aro whined like a petulant child.

"I am very pleased to hear that you were so affirmative, brother," Caius gave his brother an odd look as he chose to ignore Aro. "It is also very refreshing to see you so well. May I ask why the alliance with the Cullen Party was necessary?"

"We are simply engaging in good politics," Marcus said. "We are putting up a united front against the other super-naturals that want to threaten us and ensuring that the good name of our might persists."

"But they are criminals," Caius said testily.

"It turns out that they are not," Marcus said, satisfied that he was being so efficient in his brothers' absence. "While you were finding Aro to bring back Carlisle, I held a very brief trial that concluded that the child is the biological daughter of Edward and Bella Cullen."

"It is true," said Vladimir, backing up Marcus' statement.

"I see, and did you make any plans for the child's future?" Caius asked, eying the child whose hair was still matted from its terrifying mother.

"I have been making those plans," Stefan announced. "We will raise the child and groom her well. When she is viable, we will make a diplomatic marriage proposal of her."

"Her new parents have already agreed," Vladimir said excitedly and Rosalie and Emmet nodded quickly (it would please them nothing greater than to have such a perfectly groomed child). "She is a great political asset."

"Indeed," Caius lifted a sceptical eyebrow, but said nothing more as he deposited Aro with Marcus again.

Caius looked at Alice, unsure of what to do. For the first time he was making decisions where Aro seemed incapable of doing so. The day's events had regressed so wildly that the logical answer no longer was logical and all of his strategies had been thrown out of the window. Alice was salivating and was filthy coated in blood. Caius decided to join the insanity of the day.

"I declare Alice neutral territory!" he said loudly. "The stake on her claim has been rendered null and void. Anyone may have access to her without kidnapping her!"

He said the last bit with a meaningful glare at Aro who nodded reverently.

"Excellent," Caius said with a relieved droop of his shoulders.

He let go of Alice's hand and Alice stood with a confused frown. Did that mean that she was now homeless? She sent an anxious glance towards Jasper who was seeking mutual solace in Esme's arms. It was pretty obvious that they were still upset that Aro had kidnapped their mates and rendered them non-Cullen Party territory.

Meanwhile Bella turned in her fiery grave. Everything she wished to prevent was happening and she would be sure to haunt whichever motherfucker her daughter was married to.

In the land of the living, Caius found himself to be pleased at the way the events had resolved themselves. He decided that he didn't want to push his luck and go home.

"Good, now that everything has been resolved with such amicable results, I want to go home," he said and the Volturi took this as a signal to reassemble themselves into formation.

"I look forwards to future political dealings with you," Marcus bid the Romanians goodbye.

Aro sent a longing look in the direction of Alice. Caius wasn't having any of it and motioned the Volturi away. They were gone in an instant. The witnesses (who had decided that Caius was becoming the boring one) were on their tail, indeed, chasing Aro to the ends of the planet for anything interesting.

The Romanians gave a pleased huff and turned to the Cullen Party.

"We regroup at headquarters," Stefan said.

Without another word, the Cullen Party had disappeared leaving Alice and Benjamin in the clearing surrounded by the damages that the day had produced. Alice sighed as she watched Benjamin still passed out on the ground. She frowned as she realised that vampires don't sleep and gave Benjamin a kick awake.

"Are we under attack?" Benjamin started.

"No," Alice said and Benjamin deflated. She sighed, "You missed most of today's events."

"Did we win?" he asked stupidly.

"No one won anything," she grumbled and idly kicked at a boulder that rolled across the clearing.

"Why are we still here?" he asked, blinking the sleep from his eyes.

"I am neutral territory and you were asleep," Alice looked at him accusingly and he shrugged his shoulders defensively. She felt bad and calmed down. "The Volturi have gone home and the Cullen Party have regrouped at headquarters."

"CP must be missing me then," Benjamin said standing up. He looked at her with a friendly smile, "It was nice talking to you, neutral territory."

He stuck out his hand and she tentatively shook it. Before she could ask him to stay, he disappeared into the woods for headquarters.

Alice sighed and looked at the mess that was the clearing. She had never felt lonelier and thought that all this could have been avoided if she had just given herself to Aro like he wanted in the beginning. A sudden clopping of hooves made her look to the edge of the clearing.

In the very flesh (and without any horses), the Knights of the Round Table came trotting into the clearing and paused at the sight of lonely Alice. Arthur approached her, followed by his trusty kinsmen.

"Hark! A lonely maiden in distress!" Arthur said as they came to a stop before Alice.

"Hello," she said in a quiet voice.

"Sire, we should offer her companionship in her hour of need!" Lancelot suggested brightly.

"I know! We should offer her companionship in her hour of need!" Arthur said, his idea a grand one.

"A great suggestion, sire!" Galahad said joyously.

"Lady, what is your name?" Arthur enquired extending his hand.

"Alice," she said taking his hand and he kissed it quickly.

"I am King Arthur and these are my companions; we make up the Knights of the Round Table," Arthur proclaimed proudly. "Would you like to be my queen?"

"Sure," Alice shrugged. She couldn't do better than queen.

She mounted Arthur's horse (please note the absence of any) and the Knights of the Round Table trotted off into the woods with a clopping of hooves.

The clearing was silent for a moment. All seemed to settle in that strange place of oddities. All except for the sound of something large crashing through the trees. Something large had indeed crashed through into the clearing. It was a whale of a woman with very little hair. She clutched a roll of salami in her one hand as she stumbled around the clearing in her rags.

"Joineh!" she yelled intermittently.

She reached the oddity of the Trojan rabbit. Clutching her shawl tighter, she prodded the broken bits of wood with the salami. Nothing happened. She straightened, satisfied that she had prodded the strange device into submission, and turned.

A grand pianoforte came crashing down onto her head. The piano was fortunate in that the woman had broken its fall. The woman wasn't so fortunate in that she had broken the piano's fall.

A grotesquely naked man walked into the clearing wearing a bowtie. He opened the lid of the piano and banged down on the keys in a funeral tune. He scuttled out of the clearing as the sound echoed through the mountains.

The clearing settled, finally.


End file.
